Afraid
by Aleirian's Chosen
Summary: If we could read between the lines of silence, what would we discover? A short Isumi monologue with just a hint of romance.


Disclaimer: Hotta and Obata's. Not mine.

**Afraid**

Pa-chi.

There are some people who learn and grow from their losses, those who are able to gain strength from defeat.

Pa-chi!

Those who immediately rise higher after a setback, those who learn quickly...those who the world hail as "genius".

I am not one of them.

Pa-chi.

The ring of the go stones are hollow in my ears today. I see the goban, the pattern of the stones we have laid out, but I am unable to read the deep meanings. I can only see the immediate now, and what has already passed.

Pa-chi!

My opponent today is you, Waya. You're so concentrated, so focused -- even through the haze of my confusion I can see your bright determination. You have grown so strong.

Today's victor was decided before I even sat down across the goban from you. I cannot win. My heart is not here.

Pa-chi.

You must have heard what happened yesterday, but you do not know the full story. No one does, except Shindou and I. And we have both remained silent since yesterday's game.

I lost to Shindou. It was my mistake, a terrible mistake -- my failure.

Waya... I lost by default, I forfeited the game for moving a stone after my finger separated from it. I was too distracted, remembering all that Ochi and the others have said about Shindou. And after that, my mind just hasn't been the same. I need time to recuperate from the loss, time to be alone, hide and reflect and recover from the pain.

But I am not given that luxury, for today's game is against you.

You need to protect your losses, just as I need to protect mine. But I cannot.

I can't concentrate. My mind and spirit are shaken, confused. Why did I let it happen? I lay awake all of last night, thinking: why?

Pa-chi!

I still don't have an answer, and already I'm playing you. Back to back games against you and Shindou. I had a premonition of fear when I first saw this schedule, but I didn't think it would come to this.

My go is horrible -- you've already noticed, but you're still pushing, going for the win. I won't stop you. I can't.

I have nothing left. It is over. I have lost.

My eyes are averted; I can't bear to look at you -- I can't bear to look up, or hold myself with any dignity.

I am a coward, Waya, a coward. After yesterday's humiliating defeat and today's crumbling game, what is left of me? My spirit is broken. I am left here, wasting away on my own misery.

Waya... I am a coward. Can you sense it? I'm afraid, terrified. The memory of pain can break a man -- it has struck me down. The pain of humiliation, of my own loss, it's breaking my world. I don't know if I can find the strength to recover and stand up once more.

I am afraid, so I hide behind this silence. I've been hiding for so long...hiding from the loss I fear, the pain of having my heart and dreams trodden on, shredded by reality.

I've wanted to get past this fear for so long, but I cannot. I lost to Shindou yesterday because of my fear, because of my lack of confidence.

I tripped up, stumbled, and now I can't get up.

I can't look at you, because I am afraid.

I fear to lose what I care for, the dreams I cherish, the person I love...

I'm afraid, Waya, so afraid of having my heart broken again. Now that I've felt the terrible loss from yesterday's game, I don't think I can ever summon the courage to risk it again -- in go, or in life.

For so many lessons in go can be applied in the everyday world. Shinoda-sensi taught us that.

I want to tell you all this, Waya. You're the best friend I have, but I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid that you'll reject me for my weakness, for my own pettiness and inability to cope.

You've asked me what happened, asked me to tell you and allow you to help. And I want to tell you, I want to let you know, open my heart and let you know everything.

I need you, but I am terrified of taking the risk.

So I keep my head lowered as you go to mark your win, and my loss. I keep my eyes averted, my gaze downcast.

Waya...

I am afraid, so afraid of heartbreak.

So afraid of losing you.


End file.
